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Name: Starbuck
E-Mail:
Subject: how the josh stole macca (with apologies to giesl)
Date: Thursday, March 27, 2003
Time: 4:17:03 PM
Remote Address: 128.101.202.45
Message ID: 58167
Parent ID: 0
Thread ID: 58167
Every gasser down in gasland liked the beatles a lot.
But the josh, who lived just north of gasland, did not!
The josh hated beatles, those four mop top guys.
Now don’t ask how come, because no one knows why.
It could be his wasn’t screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his pumps were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
may have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
But whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes,
he stood there all day even hating the Who.
Staring out from his cave down near tampa bay,
he heard all the gassers just chirping all day.
Macca was coming to town for a Macca sing show!
Macca’s coming near, with Ringo in tow!
And he knew every gasser in gasland down there
was preparing their long gnarly mop toppy hair,
and tuning their violin shaped hoffner basses,
and ironing macca tshirts and powdering their faces.
“They’ll hang Macca posters!” he snarled with a sneer.
“Cause he’s coming tomorrow! He’s practically here!”
Then Joshie growled, with his Josh fingers drumming.
“I must find some way to stop Macca from coming!”
For he knew that the beatle fans sleeping with ease
Would wake up bright and early and grab their CDs
And then! Oh, the noise! Noise noise noise, you will see,
That’s one thing he hated: those beatle harmonies!
“They’ll start with Revolver!” he groaned with a yelp,
“and move on to Abbey Road, or possibly Help!
Sgt Pepper I’ll hear, and if I am right,
The white album will play through the day and the night!
And they’ll strum their guitars, and sing sing sing sing!”
And the more the Josh thought of this Beatley sing
The more that he thought, “I must stop this whole thing!
….but how?” thought the Josh. And while taking a pee-yah,
Something popped in his head, yes, a wonderful idea!
“I know just what to do!” the josh laughed in his throat.
And he made up a quick beatle suit and a coat.
And he chuckled and clucked, “What a great Joshie hoax
I look just like Macca with this suit and this coat!
All I need is a ringo….” And the josh looked around.
But since ringos are scarce, there were none to be found.
Did that stop the josh? No! the josh simply said,
“If I can’t find a ringo, I’ll make one instead!”
So he called to his lapdog, that old Steel wls,
And Josh tied on a ringo suit from wls’s head to his heels.
Then he loaded some bags right into his truss
And hopped in his old beat up VW bus.
The Josh said “Let’s go!” and the bus started down
Toward the homes where the gassers lay asleep in their town.
All their windows were dark, quiet snow filled the air.
All the gassers were dreaming beatle dreams without care,
When he came to the first little house in the square,
He turned off the van, stepped into the night air.
“This is stop number one,” old grouchy josh hissed,
and he climbed through a window, empty bags in his fist.
The Josh spotted Beatle records lined up in a row.
“This mess of music is the first thing to go!”
Then he slithered and slunk with a smile filled with doom,
And he snatched all the beatle memorabilia in that room!
Beatle wigs, beatle cigs, john and george tin lunch boxes,
Ringo sleeping bags and mop top tube soxes.
And he stuffed them in bags, and the josh, very slow,
Tossed the bags to steel wls outside the window.
The josh grabbed it all, and the loot he did shove,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove
He turned around fast, and a gasser he did see
It was ginda marie, who was not more than fourty three.
The Josh had been caught in the act, it appeared,
By ginda, who got up for a late midnight beer.
She stared at the Josh and said, “Macca, you hunk!
Why are you taking all my beatle junk?”
But you know, that old josh was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick.
“Well, excuse me, o fan,” he said with a laugh,
“But all of this stuff, it has no autographs!
I’m taking it back to my office, my dear.
I’ll sign your paul things, and I’ll bring them back here!”
His fib fooled poor ginda. Then he patted her head.
He got her her beer and he sent her to bed.
And when ginda lou was tucked back in the sack,
The josh jumped out the window with a sack on his back.
The walls they were bare of their macca art work,
The josh took it all, that slippery jerk!
All that he left were a few ringo blouses
Then he did the same thing to the other gassers’ houses!
It was quarter past dawn, all the gassers still dreamin’
The Josh drove away, his smile just a-gleamin’.
Three thousand feet up, up the side of Mount Crumpit,
He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!
“Poo Poo to the gassers,” he was Joshishly humming.
“They’re finding out now that no Macca is coming!
They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the gassers down in gasland will all cry ‘Boo Hoo!’”
That’s a noise,” grinned the Josh, “that I simply must hear!”
So he paused, and the Josh put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low, then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so, but it was merry! Very!
He stared down at gasland, the josh popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every gasser in gasland, the tall and the small,
They were singing, without any macca stuff at all!
He hadn’t stopped Macca from coming. He came!
Somehow or other, he came just the same!
And the josh, with his josh feet ice cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling, “How could it be so?
It came without drums, and without guitars,
It came without pics of those mopheaded stars.
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the josh thought of something he hadn’t before.
“Perhaps……beatlemania isn’t that bad.
Maybe, just maybe, its me who’s been had.
Come to think of it, now, I’ve heard nary a ditty
By that Liverpool crew, and methinks that’s quite shitty.
If I stopped my complaining, and gave them a chance,
I might even like them!” he said. With a glance,
He had steel wls pop a disc in
Rubber soul, yes it was, and he gave it a listen.
From drive my car, number one, straight through to the end,
He liked it so much that he played it again.
Then he played sgt pepper, and yes, quite for sure,
He even liked magical mystery tour.
He liked abbey road and he loved hey jude too,
He sat there all day, till a quarter to two.
And what happened then? Well in gasland they say
That the joshie’s small heart grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
He brought back the macca stuff, even “flowers in the dirt,”
He brought back the banners for the macca concert.
And macca did come, to sing his songs slow,
And the josh, well, he even got to play with ringo!
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