IT'S A GAS, GAS, GAS!!
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Subject: RE: "It's a Wonderful Keno's Life" Part Two
Date: Thursday, February 20, 2003
Time: 3:45:47 PM
Remote Address: 126.96.36.199
Message ID: 53582
Parent ID: 53581
Thread ID: 53581
However, just then some amazing things were happening in another part of this vast universe. Hearing the numerous entreaties from other residents of stonesford falls (see below post: ‘what if there was no more gasland’), the Big Guy (not keith) decided to intervene. Sending for his angel most qualified for the difficult task ahead, the Big Guy (not keith) summoned none other than our old pal Brian Jones (RIP). The Big Guy (not keith) filled in brian on keno’s situation. “Oh yes, Big Guy (not keith). I’m quite familiar with keno’s situation, as I’ve been following his work for many years. Thanks to him, countless stones fans, both of the casual and rabid varieties, have been able to meet in his savings and loan and learn and discuss the world’s greatest rock n roll band ever. Many of them have developed long and lasting relationships with each other. Oh yes, Big Guy (not keith). I know of keno.” “well, brian,” said the Big Guy (not keith). “I am putting him in your charge. Good luck!”
Back at the bridge, keno was leaning on the guard rail, staring down into the dark, muddy waters as the snow fell all around him. All of a sudden, he heard a tremendous splash and saw a small blonde haired figure flailing about in the frigid waters below. Not thinking of any potential bodily harm, he threw himself over the bridge and into the water, rescuing the lone swimmer. Pulling him to shore, he realized that it was brian jones! “Brian! You’re supposed to be….dead!” said keno in amazement. “Yeah, my last swimming venture didn’t end too well,” brian said, “but you saved me on this one!”
They wandered into the guardhouse on the bridge to warm their clothes. “Brian, I just don’t understand it,” keno confessed. “I work my fingers to the bone for years making gasland a wonderful place to exchange ideas with other stones fans, and for inexperienced fans to learn more about their favorite band from those of us who’ve been following them for forty years. But then we get obnoxious posters who suck up my time and make me have to clean up their shit. And hey, I’m maintaining the site at my own personal expense. Sometimes I woner….is it all worth it? Heck, sometimes I wish gasland had never been born…..”
This gave brian an idea. He looked up and muttered something to the Big Guy (not keith), and then looked back at keno. He paused. “keno, you have your wish. Gasland was never born.” Just then, a gust of wind blew the door of the guardhouse open, startling keno. He stepped outside. “Gee, it stopped snowing all of a sudden. That’s weird.” he said to himself. He and brian started to make their way back towards town. However, some strange things caught keno’s eye on the way back to town. He noticed that the sign that used to read “stonesford falls” now read “pepperland”. He was aghast! In a state of mild confusion, he wandered back past where he had crashed his car. It was not there!
“What is going on here?!” he asked brian. “my car is gone, someone has changed the town sign, and hey, you’re supposed to be dead!” “Keno, I have been trying to tell you. I’ve been sent here to give you a wonderful opportunity, to show you how many people’s lives you’ve affected by your work here. Without your efforts, gasland was never born, and all of this little corner of cyberspace was bought up by some sort of beatle consortium started by some lawyer dude from florida.”
Brian and keno proceeded on towards town. On the way, he bumped into many familiar faces. On a park bench next to where the monument to Charlie watts used to stand (it had been replaced by a bronze likeness of ringo starr), sat factory girl and ~~~ in complete silence, waiting for the next bus. “factory girl! ~~~! What is the matter? Don’t you recognize each other?” cried keno. “toTaLLyriGhTeOUs caT sTEvenslkEdudE!” retorted ~~Q. “I diG your shiRt, buT I haVE noEyEdeer who YoU aRE!”
“I don’t understand,” keno said to brian as they continued into town. “are ~Q and factory girl fighting or what?” “no keno,” replied brian. “without gasland, Q and FG were never able to meet. They are complete strangers to each other.”
They happened upon a dank, seedy bar called ‘elanor rigby’s’. “hey, this place used to be called ‘angie’s’” keno said. “I know the owner- fleabit peanut monkey. It was because of my savings and loan that he was able to build the place.” Brian and keno went in and asked for FPM, but the bartender did not look impressed. “he’s over in the corner. Are you his ride? That guy’s gotta get home quick!”
“FPM, its me-keno!” keno said to fleabit, but fleabit was far too gassed to respond coherently. He had already consumed two pitchers of busch light, a margaritia and three glasses of “sex on the beach”. “fleabit, come to! What’s the matter? How was Cleveland?!” keno turned to brian. “fleabit was one of the founding members of the C10 organization, a brotherhood that is revered around stones circles nationwide….” “Keno,” whispered brian, “FPM doesn’t know you, he never was able to build his bar, and, worst of all….he’s never been to Cleveland!” Keno was shocked. “what?! He’s never been to Cleveland? But the C10….” “It never happened,” said brian. “No keno, no gasland. No gasland, no C10…..”
keno ran out of the bar, extremely agitated. “what is happening to me? What is going on? Brian, help me out! You have to tell me: where is ginda? Where is my wife?” a look of concern flashed across brian’s face. Keno knew something was wrong. “brain, you have to tell me!” “Keno, you’re not going to like it. Without your expert tutelage, ginda ended up marrying a don Henley freak from queens. Keno, she’s an Eagles fan!”
“Nooooo!!!” screamed keno, running down the street. He ran and ran, leaving brian behind. He eventually wound up back at the bridge, right where he started. “I want my life back! I want gasland to stay right were it is, where it will continue to influence the younger generation of stones fans about the greatest rock n roll band in history……”
the snow started to fall. The wind died down. All of a sudden, a police car pulled up. Out hopped officers Pdog & starbuck. “Hey…..keno?!” yelled Pdog, “is that you?” Keno looked up. “P?” he said.
“Geez, keno! We’ve been looking all over for you!” said Starbuck. “We got a call from ginda that said you took off in a huff, and she’s been worried sick about you. What happened?”
“Starbuck?! You guys know me?!” said keno. “of course I know you keno,” Starbuck said. “It was because of gasland that I developed a taste for the ron wood era, especially tattoo you. I’d always been a mick taylor era junkie until I met you.” Pdog added, “and its because of you that I met all sorts of other cool gassers that live in my area, like cardinal fang. Now I can talk about my clash and twinkie addictions out in the open.”
“WOOHOOO!!!!” screamed keno, and he ran off down the street, abandoning starbuck & pdog. “what got into him?” starbuck asked. “I dunno…must have found his hooch flask,” pdog replied.
Keno ran throughout stonesford falls, hooping and hollering at the top of his lungs. “Hello, gasland savings & loan! Hello, Angie’s!” Keno stopped at the bronze statue of Charlie watts at the center of town, where ~Q & FG were deeply embroiled in a discussion about the lyrics to “starfucker”. “no, its tasty foam, not taste the foam,” FG was saying to ~~. “helloooo ladies!” said keno. “maJorLY hapPy kENo mY mAn!!!!” said Q. “WeeeeEEeee LovE yoU and alL U DooO!”
Keno raced home as fast as his legs could carry him. Little did he know that while he was out, the entire town had gathered at his house to show their support for him and gasland. All the members of the town came to contribute, and enough spare change had been gathered to pay off the debt to stonesalot potter. When keno came through the door, the whole crowd let out a cheer. Everyone was there, from sean to tysteel (what ever happened to that guy?) to paypone al and everyone inbetween. Josh wainright even called from florida; he had heard that keno had lost his whiskey and was wiring as much as keno needed.
Racing up the stairs, keno ran to ginda. “what do you think of the eagles?!” he exclaimed. “they suck!” she replied. Indeed, everything was back to normal. Meanwhile, SRW had mastered the MT solo, and the whole town began to sing stones carols arm in arm. And right as the crowd was belting out the chorus to sweet Virginia, little joey ran out from his room into his pappy’s arms. “daddy keno,” said joey. “teacher says, every time mick swears, an angel gets his wings!” “yeah, that’s right,” said keno.
and they all lived happily ever after.
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