IT'S A GAS, GAS, GAS!!
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Subject: RE: RE: RE: belonging (nsc)
Date: Saturday, October 13, 2018
Time: 6:31:49 AM
Remote Address: 18.104.22.168
Message ID: 318189
Parent ID: 318188
Thread ID: 318047
Friends here for sure!
But like I said, for ME I like alone, that's what I've developed into. But during the 60s & early 70s I couldn't stand the alone lifestyle. I was quite the schizoid and I hated it so much! Absolutely no social skills, and I was very self-conscious about it. I'd be walking to junior high or high school in the mornings, and everybody, and I mean each and EVERYBODY, all shapes and sizes and colors, had at least one person they were with to talk to and laugh with --- except me.
....and who's left? Mainly acquaintances, not true blue friends. --- I don't have any, — although just last Saturday my brother-in-law got married (at age 60!) and now my wife & I find ourselves suddenly with a new batch of relatives. I feel, well, uneasy about this. I was also quite nervous about the wedding because the reception is a social event, and I hate social events, but thank God it all went okay.
Let me share a little analogy I thought of which I hope will help in what I'm trying to say:
A litter of puppies are playing together. One little teething pup innocently bites a littermate a little too hard. "Hey, that hurts!" The 'assaultee' in return will bite the assaulter back and harder. Now the assaulter learned not to bite so hard. It's puppy-politics, but it lead to learning one aspect of behavior etiquette.
My point: the puppies above ⬆️ are growing and developing in a normal and healthy manner — the way little HUMAN tykes should be allowed to grow in the formative years where our personalities get established ~ emotionally, socially, conversationally. But the cards I was dealt put me in an environment where I was so brutally and violently denied growing and developing in a normal and healthy manner. The beatings, the bullying, and the deliberate sabotaging is all I knew.
In my household of 4, the matriarch was a shrewish, despotically-unstable irascible drama-queen, the daughter of Satan. The one sibling was 6 years older and 6 times bigger than me and felt no compunction playing his 'size-card' so ruthlessly, so violently, and with impunity. To call him an incorrigible bully would be a gross understatement. This was a sociopathic demon from Hell. The patriarch was a total wimp and didn't protect me.
To add even more fuel to this demonic fire, I'm further traumatized and terrorized by being thrown into Greek Orthodox School, 1st grade, at age 5. FIVE!! With no kindergarten, no nothing. The faculty included the most sadistic, disgusting, ruthless bullies --- sick f*cken bastards, and they were able to get away with it. For 4+ years I was there, and that whole time I was the "dumbest in the class" and "the ugliest in the class". I'd be off in my own world, slipping into black dogs & reveries. Back in those days parents were different. They looked at kids differently, and beatings in private school differently. I'm sure WWII had something to do with their sick-ass mental illness. I sure did suffer a lot of painful headaches! 🤕 (Concussions maybe? How many hard blows and cracks to the head & face.)
As a result, I'm a social pariah.
When I turned 17, from an answer to a special prayer (?) I suddenly had friends, good friends. (I had also dropped 48 pounds.) But eventually, my social handicap became far too apparent and increasingly exposed, and was simply too much and the friendships had to cease. I couldn't handle it and it was just best to remove myself from those former friendships. Oh there was enough blame to go around, but still I had to split. I try going to sleep every night with much regret about things I've said, and done, atrocities of bygone days live on in the mind rent-free, unable to pull off some magical alchemy to evict them.
Well, I've learned to like alone, I'm most happiest that way. My social handicap doesn't get exposed. I have my wife & daughter, and every few weeks our son stays over for a weekend. That's fine with me.
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